Chichiro versus the Gum Wrapper
by Chichiro Ketsueki
Summary: Chichiro is introduced to the simple joy of gum, and of course decides it needs to be celebrated with sake...if she can open the wrapper, first. Insanity ensues.
1. Gum and Sake

**Author's Note:** Had to take a break from all my depressing fictions. So…here 'tis. Chichiro discovers the joys of gum. Very high sugar gum. Insanity ensues. 

--

Hiei, reading a fan fiction, didn't look up as Chichiro walked into the room.

"What'cha doin'?"

Hiei didn't answer, and just squinted at the screen. "What's a—-" He looked harder, making sure he was reading it right. "--Fluff? And what's a lemon?"

She shrugged, leaning down to read the screen. "I don't know. Click on it."

A short blonde walked into the room: the authoress herself, of course. She saw the screen, yelped and threw the computer out the window after repeatedly clogging it with a sledgehammer.

Hiei just blinked at her, mildly curious, and Chichiro just stared at her, sweat-dropping.

The authoress huffed, then looked up, realizing she was being watched, then looked over at the two for a moment. She straightened, then spoke. "…Never mind."

Hiei glared mildly at her a moment, then shrugged. "Right."

The authoress, who will (after having to use 'the' too many times) now be dubbed Grand-Authoress, and/or G.A., leaned against the wall of her bishie room and pulled out a stick of gum, offering the pack to Hiei and Chichiro.

They both took a piece. Hiei unwrapped it an popped it into his mouth without second thought, but Chichiro looked at it from many different angles. "What is this?"

G.A. sweat-dropped and stared at her. "It's gum."

"…Goom? What it this 'goom'?"

"Gum," Hiei corrected. "It's called gum."

"Well, what is it?" she insisted.

"You chew on it."

She blinked, looking at it. "This is…food?"

G.A. looked incredulously at Hiei. "…How much have you taught her about the human world, Hiei?" She sighed and turned to the unfairly-tall, confused demoness. "Chichiro, gum is not food. It is simply something with flavor to chew on."

"Oh. I see." She proceeded to pop it into her mouth, with the wrapper still on. And promptly, she spat it back out. "Ugh! This tastes horrible!"

Hiei sighed, almost embarrassed for her, and the authoress glared accusingly at him once before saying, "The wrapper is on…you have to get the wrapper off first."

She tried to pull off the silver wrapper, blinked, and scratched it. After waiting for a reaction, and receiving none, and proceeded to poke it with her katana. A pulsing vein appeared on her forehead. Chichiro continued, using various weapons to maul the poor piece of gum: katana, sword, bow and arrow (leaving a nicely sized hole in it), scythe, claws, teeth, pistol, machine gun, and finally uses a grenade, leaving a large crater in the ground.

Hiei shook his head, and G.A. tried to stifle a laugh, not succeeding very well.

Chichiro, confused beyond belief, just looked around, wondering where her chewable piece of amusement had gone.

G.A., amusing herself quite severely by watching Chichiro's struggles, handed her another piece.

Hiei snatched it from her, opening it, and handed it back to Chichiro after glaring at G.A.'s amusement at Chichiro's expense. OF course, the authoress didn't care in the least.

"…How?" Chichiro wondered aloud as Hiei handed the bare piece of gum to her, then she popped it into her mouth, and grinned, starry-eyed. "It's…so…WONDERFUL!" She chewed on it a moment, then glanced from Hiei to G.A., then grinned. "Can I have another?"

G.A., still recovering from her previous laughing fit, handed her a second piece.

Hiei sighed, glaring again at G.A., and took the gum from Chichiro, opening it and handing it back to her.

Chichiro chewed on it and a slow smirk slid across her face. "Mmm…I like this goom!"

"Gum, Chichiro, gum" Hiei corrected again.

"That's what I said! Goom!"

G.A. sighed. "Gum, Chichiro. G-uh-m."

"Ohhh," the demoness replied with a sheepish smile, "_gum_."

Hiei stared at them, then closed his eyes and kept himself from murdering someone. _She listens to the baka and not me…_

G.A. glared at him. "Baka?"

Hiei blinked, wide-eyed. "How? You do not possess the jagan!"

"No, I possess the—" As cheesy music began in the background, and fake-as-hell lightning flashed in the background, she held up a keyboard. "—Ja-Keyboard of DOOM!"

Hiei glared at her incredulously again. "Dumb ass," he muttered. "Can't you think of something more…original?"

G.A. gave him an equally as evil glare. "Original? It may be a dumb name, but the Ja-Keyboard of DOOM is pretty original, you have to admit."

"…Hn."

Chichiro squealed. "FINALLY! Through this entire fan fiction, he hadn't said 'hn' once! I was beginning to worry about him."

Hiei turned back to G.A. "Right. If you're the 'Grand Authoress' of this, how come you went out of your way to make the effects cheesy? I mean, you could have made the best special effects ever, and you made it purposefully cheesy and fake."

G.A. groaned. "Hiei, you ruin everything. This is a PARODY. It's supposed to be STUPID."

Hiei snorted. "Oh. Because, knowing you, I thought you were being perfectly serious this entire time." He shrugged. "I mean, if you look at the rest of your fan fictions, they're JOKES. I mean, come on, onna."

G.A. then used her wonderful Authoress powers (of doom) and randomly 'acquired' a copy of all five of the Voices of the Lost Realm books. "Shut up NOW!" she said dangerously, threatening to tear them.

Hiei stopped talking, but shook his head with a (an extremely FRUSTRATING to the authoress…) smirk. "Yeah? What are you going to do? Rip them?" After receiving a nod from G.A., he held up his hands in a 'so?' motion. "It matters not to me. After all, I just said—" His jaw locked as soon as G.A. pointed to the third chapter of the first book, 'Meet Chichiro.' His eyes narrowed and he glared at her.

"Yes. I thought you'd see my point. Without MY fan fiction, you wouldn't have your woman."

Hiei growled. Chichiro, oblivious, pranced around the room like a nymph. You must understand, though, she was not normally this, er, 'odd'. It was the simple fact that the authoress had used opposite-reduced sugar-free gum. Which, in this authoress-crazy world, means that it was indeed not sugar-free, but it had more sugar than normal gum. And sugar, unfortunately, makes Chichiro hyper. Thus, she has the right to parade around the room like a lunatic even though she is not normally like that.

"If _you're_ the one who invented her, why'd you friggin' ki—"

G,A, proceeded to smack her hand over his mouth, glaring at him. "Now, Hiei, don't give away anything. Not everyone has read the books."

Hiei's stony glare would remain on G.A. through the remainder of this fan fiction.

In any case, Chichiro, by this point, had stopped running around, and was leaning on her shorter mate, and was grinning ridiculously. She randomly had a 'brainstorming' look on her face, and then the grinned deviously (For, what, the fifteenth time in this fic?) "We should have sake to celebrate this wonderful chewable amusement."

Hiei sweat-dropped. "Chichiro, it's just gum."

Chichiro glared at him and leaned off to stand up. "Gum is good!" she insisted. "We should have sake!"

G.A. laughed, and held a bottle of sake out to Chichiro. "Why not?"

_**Three hours and fifteen battles of sake later**_

Kurama walked into the house with a yawn, Tamiko in tow. Or, more like, carrying her. She was asleep. "Hey, every—" The demon-in-disguise stopped when he observed the extremely disturbing sight of Chichiro and Hiei dancing on the island in the middle of the kitchen, singing 'A pirate's life for me' and acting like deranged mutts who'd been beaten one too many times. He watched for a moment, then took Tamiko over the the couch and set her down, returning afterward to stand next to G.A. "…So. How many?"

G.A. didn't look up; she had a calm look of amusement on her face. She hadn't hada drop of alcohol, although her sugared-down barely-alcoholic sour apple Smirnoff had been calling to her from the fridge. "Fifteen."

Kurama whistled. "Oh-ho boy."

G.A. shrugged. "Oh well. It's good entertainment."

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for—" Chichiro's voice cracked, and as she hit the high note they both fell backwards (they were linking arms, and Chichiro had tripped/collapsed), off the island and onto the floor, laughing while still howling, "MEEEEEEE!"

"Dorks," G.A. muttered with a smirk.

"Yeah," Kurama said, then a dreading note took over his voice. "Though, they will have a helluva hangover tomorrow."

They both exchanged 'holy shit, why the HELL are we still in the house?' looks, and G.A. shuddered. "Shall we…leave before that happens?"

Kurama nodded, got Tamiko, and they all vacated the house.

Chichiro dragged herself off the floor, and Hiei used her to pull himself up. They looked at each other once, then got matching smirks on their faces before Chichiro attacked Hiei and knocked him to the ground.

_**The next morning**_

"MOTHER-_FUCK!_"

Chichiro rubbed the back of her head as she sat up.

Hiei watched her with slightly glazed-over eyes and sighed. He held out a hand to help her up. "Yeah," he said, noting her rubbing her sore head, "me, too."

"Th'hell were we DOING last night? Jeez!"

"I don't know," he commented, rubbing his neck in turn, "but I have bite-marks on my neck…"

G.A. grinned outside the window, snapping a flash-less picture and running off, laughing maniacally.

"What was that?" Tamiko asked as she went through the door.

"Blackmail, probably," Kurama replied, following her.

Tamiko blinked at him. "How is THAT blackmail?"

Kurama shrugged. "She'll find a way. I'd rather not think of it."

And as they both thought of different things, they shivered.

Just as Chichiro threw Kurama's most expensive piece of china at him, yelling, "SHUT _UP_! I HAVE A FUCKIN' HANGOVER, YOU ASS!" and listening for the satisfying shatter…and Tamiko saying, "Oh my God, Kurama! Are you okay?"

The fox demon stumbled up. "Roast beef is for…Tuesdays…only," he said, delusional, and fell over again.

Hiei grinned at Chichiro. "Nice shot."

"Thanks," she replied with a matching grin, before she dropped it. "Now shut up before I hit you, too."

--

Grand Authoress: -Steps upon the stage and begins to speak in a strange, creepy-story-telling voice- Will Hiei and Chichiro's hangovers every go away? Will Kurama ever come out of his china-broken-on-head dillusion? Will Chichiro ever try gum again? Will G.A. ever stop asking questions? Will the mad adventures of Gum and Sake continue? …Probably not. But we can hope.


	2. Decoys and Pigtails

**Authoress's Note: **Holy crap. I actually continued something like I said I would...that _isn't_ Voices of the Lost Realm? ...Anyone else see something wrong here? ...Anyway. Story is mine, as are ideas, as are G.A., Chichiro and Tamiko. Thanks for the reviews, guys. I'll give you each a stick of gum...eventually. Because I don't have enough money to give you anything else. -Cough- Cheap. -Cough- ...You didn't hear that. I mean read that. ...I'm loosing it. Hope you like the new chapter!

* * *

"Night."

"Night," Chichiro replied. She waited about twenty minutes, then slid out of the bed and went to G.A.'s room. "I will make this gum obey me," she growled, and stole a stick of gum, running silently into the living room. She blinked at her reflection in the mirror once before glaring at it, making one face, and then she remembered the gum and trotted off to sit on the couch.

"Now…what to do with this…" She studied it a moment, poked it, and tried to remember how Hiei had opened it. She took on of the flaps and pulled…and of course, with her luck, nothing happened. "Hmm…" She poked it a second time, and pulled another on of the flaps. This continued until she'd tugged at each of the four flaps like she was supposed to, but of course the wrapper hadn't obeyed her.

She growled, and threw it across the room, not noticing that it broke one of G.A.'s lamps.

G.A., behind the one-way mirror ("…of DOOM!") watched the lamp shatter. "You know," she mumbles in a bored tone, "I kind of liked that lamp."

Hiei walked into the room then, blinking. "…A two-way mirror?"

"One way."

"No, I'm fairly sure they're called two—"

"WELL IT'S ONE-WAY NOW!" G.A. snarled back rabidly.

"I always knew fan girls were feral," Hiei muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing," he replied with a straight face. "You've gone schizophrenic."

"Oh, good. Then if I take medicine you'll go away? This is my lucky day!" She paused. "Shit. That didn't rhyme," she said, glaring at Hiei. "It didn't, right?"

"No, it did." After a glare from G.A. he growled, "Do you honestly think _you_ can intimidate _me_?"

"…Nope. But I can black-mail you."

"With what?" he asked in a less-than-interested-leave-me-alone tone.

"Oh, I'll let you figure that out by yourself if you don't obey me."

"That's obviously just a cheap façade to make me think you have something against me, when plainly you don't."

"…Fine. Whatever."

Hiei looked back at Chichiro, who had randomly acquired a tank and was running over the gum.

"Frustrated much?" G.A. commented mildly.

"What did you make that thing out of?"

"How did you know I made it?"

Hiei stared at her a moment, then shook his head. "You know, if you had to ask, it isn't even worth it to explain."

"Worth what?"

"…Never mind. But if it can withstand being run over by a TANK, it obviously isn't normal gum."

"Ah, how perceptive of you." Hiei rolled his eyes, but G.A. didn't notice, and she continued in her bad mad-scientist imitation voice. "I reinforced the original wrapper with three layers of extremely dense titanium, then lined the inside with diamonds after melting vaporizing the gum into nothingness by heating it at more than one thousand degrees Fahrenheit," ("Wouldn't the titanium melt?" Hiei commented, but was ignored.) , "and then I took a new metal I had discovered and wrapped it thinly around the outside to make it look just like a normal piece of gum."

Hiei didn't comment, and G.A. blinked. "…What?"

"You did all that just to trick Chichiro?"

"…Yes."

"How did you pay for all that? And how did _you_, the brainless fool you are, discover a new metal?" Then, realizing what he had triggered, he immediately continued. "Don't answer—"

"Because I posses the Ja-Keyboard of DOOM!"

And as she proceeded to laugh maniacally, Hiei sighed. "—that."

He looked at Chichiro again. "Tell me." he said, feigning interest, and G.A. looked over at him, wondering who the hell he was and what he'd done with Hiei, as he'd never start a normal conversation with her unless it involved an insult. "What's it like living in a constant state of stupidity?"

G.A. sighed. _Point proven_, she thought, then grinned and cackled to herself.

Hiei glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. "Are you going to answer of just sit there giggling like It?"

She was about to answer indignantly about not sounding like a clown, then grinned evilly. "I don't know what it's like. You'd have to ask your woman that one."

Hiei twitched. "You dare."

"Hey, I'm not the one running over a piece of gum with a tank and actually expecting it to open."

Hiei didn't reply.

"Hah. I thought so," G.A. said, grinning, and then she looked back at Chichiro, only to find the demoness standing in front of the mirror and glaring right at her. "Er…Hiei? How does she know we're in here? It's…sound proof."

"I'm a fox demoness," Chichiro said. Or, at least, that's what G.A. assumed she'd said. It was just mouthing to the authoress.

"And we both have jagans, besides," Hiei reminded her. "Anyway, after I told Chichiro your "clever" scheme, I turned on the light. Which, while you were engrossed in your speech, you did not notice. And she saw where we were, and now…I'm fairly sure she's going to murder you."

"Funny," G.A. muttered. "Not only is that 'mirror' near indestructible, I also have the Ja-Keyboard of DOOM and can escape quickly." She held up the keyboard.

"Should have been quicker," said a voice behind her, and G.A. sweat-dropped and turned around to find Chichiro standing directly behind her. She was then lifted off the ground in a slightly-uncomfortable, strangling way by her trench coat hood.

"How?"

Chichiro grinned sadistically. "You forgot already what your gum wrapper was made of?"

G.A. glared at Chichiro. "That's just way too convenient for you. What the hell? I'm the authoress, I'm supposed to win."

"Funny," Chichiro said with a straight face. "But not this t—"

And then, a quite random red-tipped dart hit her shoulder. Chichiro blinked at it, and then a very odd smile came across her lips and she cackled quite like G.A. before slurring, "I love you all," and sliding to the ground like a puddle.

G.A. grinned as Kurama walked in. "So. What'd you get her with?"

"Rhino tranquilizer."

Hiei stared, gaping, then raged, "RHINO tranquilizer!"

"Yup," replied the fox innocently.

"The hell! Why did you help _her_?" He pointed at G.A. like a disease. She snorted.

"Because she threatened to burn 'Book IV'," Kurama told him, shrugging. "And of course, you know that's where Tamiko was introduced." Tamiko, behind him, flashed the V-sign with a ridiculous grin on her face. "Besides…she hit me in the head with a CHINA dish."

Hiei continued to stare. "But, rhino tranquilizer? _RHINO_ tranquilizer! Was that really necessary?"

"Probably not," Kurama said with a shrug.

Hiei growled. "This is because of your 'Ja-whatever of DOOM', isn't it?" Hiei asked, glaring at G.A.

She also flashed to V-sign. "Of course."

"ENOUGH WITH THE VICTORY SIGN!" Hiei snarled, and pulled his bandages off, shouting, "DRAGON OF THE DARKNESS—", which he never quite finished, as G.A. fwapped an oven mitt over his hand, and he thought, _Well. Shit. This sucks._ Halfway through the word "flame" the dragon exploded inside the glove and puffed a large amount of soot onto Hiei's face.

…Which, truth be told, looked hilarious.

Kurama and Tamiko snickered and tried to suppress it, but G.A. simply pointed at Hiei's face and laughed mercilessly.

"You. Are so going to die," Hiei said, snarling. "You do realize?"

"Of course," G.A. chuckled. "But I'll have to wait until after you wake up."

Hiei blinked, then remembered the extreme amount of energy it took to summon the dragon. _That was smart of me_, he thought sarcastically, as he fell backwards.

All three stared at the unconscious demons a short while, before Kurama said, "What now?"

G.A. grinned. "You know, I've always wanted to see Hiei's hair in pigtails."

Kurama grinned back at her. "We are so going to die for this."

"Eh, he already told me that about fifteen times," G.A. replied, "and I've yet to be run through with his sword."

"Fuck it," Tamiko replied. "It's worth it."

G.A.'s already-large grin widened. "I'll get the brush."


End file.
